


i'm not her

by ZippyZapmeister



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, Oh and uh, POV Second Person, Unrequited Love, i guess, tfw u do your rubesty but your sister still gets all the bitches, this was a mistake and everything hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 19:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10623462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZippyZapmeister/pseuds/ZippyZapmeister
Summary: You're no longer sure if it's a matter of not loving yourself enough or loving Hanamaru too much.





	

**Author's Note:**

> you know the deal, [tumblr shenaniganssss](http://shadow-gate-to-love.tumblr.com/post/159502095701/im-not-her) except sadder.

Hanamaru’s thighs tensed around your head over and over again. You weren’t very experienced with making love, not yet, but you knew everything about Hanamaru. The way she was moaning and the feel of her hands tugging at your pigtails told you how close she was to orgasm. Your eyes glanced up nervously; you saw her knuckles between her teeth. You swiped your tongue across her clit and the hand left her mouth and flew down to your hair, leaving her moans to fill the room.

 

You loved the sound of her. Even with her legs squeezing your head so tight, slightly muffling your hearing, her wanton moans came through loud and clear. You always loved to hear Hanamaru whimper and squirm, and it made pleasuring her your favorite thing to do, untilー

 

“Ah...p-please, pleaseー _Dia_!"

 

You thought you’d be used to it by then. It had been a long time since you’d realized that Hanamaru was always staring at your sister, talking about your sister, “accidentally” calling you Dia instead. But it still hurt, even after all of that time.

 

You felt like a fucking idiot.

 

The sound of Hanamaru’s pants filled your ears as you crawled up your bed and flopped next to her, licking your lips; the taste of a traitor, you thought, but then you felt awful. That was the taste of the girl you loved. She snuggled up to your side like nothing was wrong, then kissed you. You wanted to turn away, but how could you? Despite it all, you knew you were still helplessly in love with her. Even if everything felt fabricated, forced, you still couldn’t deny that you’d never let her go if she let you hold on.

 

“Thank you, Ruby-chan,” she said after pulling away, smiling bashfully. The blush that tinted her face made your mind wander. Does she blush like that whenever Dia compliments her? Does she even blush like that when _you_ compliment her?

 

“Can we stop for tonight? I’m really tired,” you said. For some reason, your desire to get off had been completely demolished by Hanamaru, the name she yelled out, the thought of your sister. The _jealousy_ that you felt was so emotionally draining. You wished you had what Dia had. You wished you had what it took to make Maru love you.

 

“Oh, alright, zura,” Hanamaru said. There was a certain uneasiness to her voice that you weren’t used to hearing. “If you’re sure...goodnight, then.”

 

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

 

“Hey, Ruby-chan, I-I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” You were used to this. The tense air that Hanamaru tried to fill with _love_ and whatever else she could conjure. It was all so plastic. Hanamaru had kicked you over and over again, and like a stupidly affectionate puppy, you kept on coming back. You knew that _Dia_ wouldn’t have came back. Maybe that’s why Hanamaru could never love you as much as she loved Dia, that’s why you weren’t as good as her or smart as her or beautifulー

 

“Ruby. I’m sorry.”

 

That was new. It seemed like, before, Hanamaru was loathe to mention what was obviously happening, always tiptoeing around it. But an apology? An apology, where her voice was shaking and she couldn’t meet your eye? You wanted to be angry, so badly, because you knew it was fake. If she felt bad, she wouldn’t be _doing_ this to you.

 

But you couldn’t. Through every heated night in Hanamaru’s bed, through every date spent talking about Dia, through every instance where you wished you could just break free and scream “I’m not her”, you never found a way to truly be angry at her. There wasn’t even a point in trying.

 

“I forgive you. I always will.”

**Author's Note:**

> when will i have a fic where ruby doesn't feel extensive amounts of pain?? first the diaruby fic, then most of chapter 2 of the kanaruby fic, and now this???? when will i let this baby rest??? who knos


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